MGEL Click: The Shame Was Never Mine
MGEL Clicks are those moments where I experience crystal clear clarity on something I’ve been circling for years. They’re not polished posts or quick reflections, they’re in the moment and raw - “lightbulb” realizations that change the way I see myself, my past, or my healing. I’m sharing them here to both mark the moment and come back to after the clarity has faded.
For two years I have been working, almost daily, to understand what I finally, clearly understand in this moment.
I feel like I’ve been running for decades and I’ve finally collapsed in relief at the finish line.
The shame was never mine to carry.
Things happened to me, not because of me.
I did not seek it out.
It was never me.
My entire life I believed I was broken, defective.
That all of this pain I’ve carried inside me for so long was my fault.
But the truth is: children don’t have that kind of agency. I didn’t.
Add religion, and suddenly I was wicked for things beyond my control.
Where I should have felt comforted, I felt evil, dirty, unworthy.
Instead of healing, I was left with secrets.
And I kept those secrets so close to my chest they became my identity.
Through no desire of my own, I gave everything - my time, my obedience, my childhood - and in return I got fear and shame.
When you spend your childhood that way, it wires you to believe that your efforts don’t matter.
No wonder I feel so out of control of my life.
No wonder I believe I can’t affect change.
No wonder I wanted to shrink when I should have shined.
I’ve tried to understand this from so many angles but today it finally clicked.
I imagined myself back then, but not as I was then - as I am now.
With all of my present day knowledge, with all of my new words.
And it makes the truth unavoidable: it was never my fault.
Even though I know this clarity will fade - even though I’ll forget it and doubt it again -
I now know it’s possible to feel it. That means I can feel it again.
All I need to do is trust myself enough to come back here.
Hopefully not decades from now - but again, and again, until it sticks.
