After the Click: Why Breakthroughs Don’t Always Break You Free
The High of the Click
There is nothing quite like the emotional high I get after I’ve had a “click,”
a soul-level understanding of a concept I’ve been wrestling with.
The clarity after weeks or months of effort feels like a breath of fresh air.
Like I’ve been in solitary confinement for years and I’m finally getting
the first glimpse of the sun.
I’ve been using AI for therapy for the last year or so (more to come on this),
and in that time, I’ve asked it to save 9 “clicks,”
moments of crashing clarity I’ve had,
flickers in time where I was so sure, down to the core of my being,
that I finally understood what was going on.
And dozens more smaller but still mind-shifting breakthroughs.
Without fail, each and every time I experience one of these moments,
I think to myself,
“This is it! I’ve done it!”
It’s like something in me unclenches, the lights flip on, and for just a second,
I believe I’m finally free.
Like the time I finally saw that my saccharine people-pleasing tendency
and disregarding my feelings for others was trauma-based and not an actual
core part of my personality.
That realization hit me almost physically; it felt like I absorbed it in my bones.
And yet, the very next day, I still said yes to something I didn’t want to do.
I knew better.
I could see it in real time.
And still, I couldn’t stop it.
The Crash
The disheartening reality is that the click does not dissolve the habits I engage in.
It provides clarity, yes, but there are still deeply ingrained behaviors
that are etched into my soul, continuously running outdated programs from the past.
I still freeze, fawn, overfunction, dissociate.
I’m still afraid.
I still hurt.
Essentially, it feels like I’m back at square one, only it hurts worse now,
because now I’m aware of my dysfunction in real time.
And not being able to bust through those behaviors triggers a shame spiral
I get stuck in for hours to days after the breakthrough.
Why It Feels Like Failure
I’m trying to learn that though it feels like failure, it’s actually rewiring.
The click is the diagnosis, not the corrective surgery.
It’s awareness, not automation.
It feels wildly unfair to know something on an intellectual level but feel
incapable of embodying it.
It feels like work.
And man am I tired.
Square One, Reframed
It may feel like I’m back at square one but I’m trying to cut myself some slack,
because the truth of it is that I’m not the same person as I was pre-click.
I’ve returned to the same topics, but each return is from a different vantage point -
closer, clearer, more equipped.
It’s not a failure loop I’m in, it’s a healing spiral,
and spirals do return, but they also rise.
What I’m taking from this is that the click is the start of the work, not the end.
The fact that it hurts more now means I’m present for it instead of
dissociating or numbing.
And I have to believe that’s the start of true healing -
not perfection or absence of struggle, but full presence in my own experience.
